The night is the hardest time to be alive and 3 a.m. knows all my secrets.

Sometimes when the memories hit - it hurts. This is one of those times.

I hate so much when I'm living life and all of a sudden I start getting flashbacks of events that I thought I had so far buried in the back of my mind that they would never resurface. Mind games. Memories flooding in, encumbering me. I don't think it's something that I've even fully dealt with yet. I suppose it's just something that I want to pretend never happened. So far I've been doing a pretty good job at it. It's always more difficult at night, because at night, that's when it's just me. Me. Alone with my thoughts. I haven't even said it out loud. I can't say it out loud. I won't say it out lot. If I don't then maybe that means it never happened. That's my thoughts on the matter anyway. Maybe I'm blowing it all out of proportion. Maybe it's not that big of a deal. Maybe I wanted it to happen. Maybe it's my fault. So many maybes that are taking up too much space in my head right now.

I struggle sometimes to be open and vulnerable on here, well mostly I struggle with trying to not be so open. Some days I wish I was completely anonymous so I can just let all my secrets out and not worry about who reads or what they think, and other times I just want people to know. It's like I want you to know, I just don't want to tell you.

I've been listening to the song "Breathe (2AM)" by Anna Nalick a lot tonight. The following verse is so me right now:

"2 am and I'm still awake writing this song, if i get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud and I know that you'll use them however you want to."

I don't know if I'm ready for all my secrets to surface quite yet, so for now I'll continue trying to be somewhat vague. I'm not really putting too much effort into it, though. Even me rereading what I've written so far it's not too difficult to figure out. I'm already feeling a little over exposed right now and I'm very tempted to just hold my finger on "backspace" and erase this all completely. Watching all the words disappear just how I want my memories to.