Recollections

It's here; the last day of me being 23. It's bittersweet because 23 has been good to me. Three hundred and sixty-five days of lessons about life, love, friendships, and relationships. I've made my share of bad decisions as well as some good decisions. Overall, I'm grateful for every moment and for the people who have stuck it out with me through it all. I've had friends come and go, but in the end, I know that everything is where it's meant to be now.

She’s a little bit of heaven with a wild side

So it's been a little bit of a while since I've posted. Everyday I tell myself that I'll make time to write later, but that doesn't always turn out how I would like. Anyway, today is the start of my birthday week. It's bittersweet. I'm going to miss being 23, it's been a good year for me, but I know that 24 will have a lot of adventures and memories as well.

I've been sick since Wednesday night (big shocker there) and I'm just now feeling better. I just need to get rid of this sore throat and cough. I stayed in all of Friday wishing that I just felt better and not sick. But you know, wishing doesn't always make something happen. Saturday I went to a friend's music performance at a high school. I hadn't been to a HS play or musical in so long! It was really good, though. After that I ended up seeing a couple people and then I left later that night to go see someone I hadn't seen in a while. Today has been a typical Sunday for me which consists of me not really doing anything at all. I did of course watch The Walking Dead tonight, so I have that going for me. I'm just so sore today and my whole body hurts so I've been in my bed the majority of today.

I've decided that I'm not going to make excuses for myself anymore. I realize that some of my actions may hurt other people and it's not something that I purposely intend on doing, it just happens. I think I might live too much in the moment sometimes and I tend to make snap decisions in the moment as well. That's not a bad thing per say, but thinking more things through wouldn't be such a bad thing, either, I guess. I'm just a strong believer in carpe diem. I'd rather look back on my life and have a few regrets here and there than look back and think "would if?".

Don't hold yourself back, take advantage of moments, make memories, have stories to tell, and never regret.

Love&Light,
Namaste ॐ ‏

You didn't come into this world. You came out of it, like a wave from the ocean. You are not a stranger here.

There's really not much in this life that I could say hurts more than watching someone you love start using again. I hate seeing the change in actions and attitude. Normally my opinion is "it's your life, so what's right for you...", but this is different. This is dangerous. I've been through so much already; I remember the ODs, I remember always being so worried every time my phone would ring from an unknown number- afraid of what the person on the other line might say, and if someone would knock on the door or ring the bell I would always be so scared that they would tell me you're not coming back. It's gone past smoking and I've already seen what the class A and B can do to someone and I don't want to see you spiral down. Not you. One day you're going to go too far and you're not going to come back from it and that will be the day that my life falls apart.

The lamps are different, but the lights are the same.

I wanted to post, but I really don't have too much to say. This weekend had the potential to be a lot more than it was; I really haven't done much of anything at all. Obviously I already wrote a little bit about Friday and how I burned myself. I swear I'm going to cry if it leaves a big scar. Well, maybe not cry, but I'll be sad.

Saturday I didn't do too much, I went out to lunch with a friend and then out on an adventure to find some hookah/vape stores. I ended up buying a new apple e-liquid which I was really excited about trying, and I surprisingly really liked it. I'm really into the fruit flavors and it's always a hit or miss with e-liquids. They're always either a fake candy-like flavor, they taste like poison, or they hardly have any flavor at all. This one, however, actually had a true fruit flavor which is what I like. I got this one in a low nic level, which is actually a lower level from last time, so we'll see how this goes. Anyway, later on I had about 3 different options of things that I could do, but all 3 things fell through. Story of my life. Well, one of them I just decided that I probably shouldn't do, so it was my choice. All in all, it actually ended up to be a good night.

Today, Sunday, I literally did the equivalent of nothing. I slept in late and watched Hulu and Netflix for the majority of the day and it was wonderful. Also, The Walking Dead season 4 premiered tonight, which of course is the best show ever, so I was super excited for that. I just wish I had someone to watch it with me. But blahblahblah who cares. I'm just in bed now about to watch another episode of SVU before bed. I really wish I could just go to sleep now, but I'm not even tired.

Since I missed my weekly favorites post (surprise, surprise) I'll just talk quickly about the music that I've been listening to lately. A while ago, I was on Twitter and I saw a tweet from someone I follow who said that if you like indie music that you should go look up a band called Daughter, so I did, and honestly I have not stopped listening to them ever since! They are amazing; all their lyrics are so perfectly poetic and the harmonies and everything are perfect. I normally don't even rave about an artist or band this much, but when I say that you should look them up - you should. My personal favorites so far from all the hundreds of times that I've listened are Youth (which is probably my number one) and then Smother, Medicine, and Human. I'm seriously getting all excited even talking about them. So, go look them up... now... you'll be happy you did.

Okay, time for me to get off here so I can get ready for slumber.

Love and light. Namaste.

If it's not one thing, it's another.

Well, it's Friday night and I'm home in bed already so I decided I might as well post. Posting 2 days in a row? I know, I'm surprised, too. Feel free to pat me on the back. It's so weird, because it doesn't feel like a Friday at all since I'm already home, but oh well. I'm allowed to be lame every once in a while.

Today has been... okay? Started off pretty slow, I finally (hallelujah) got my nails done today. It was much needed. Later, I had an event at work to go to for which I was stuck making popcorn most of the night. Not really where I ideally would have liked to have been, but it is what it is. I actually started off making snow cones, and the first snow cone that I made I ended up spilling all the flavor juice all over my shirt. So that was just awesome. Not even 10 minutes into the event and I was already sticky and stained my shirt. After that I switched to making popcorn when I scorched the top of my wrist on the kettle. Honestly, it's always something with me; I swear that I have the worst luck sometimes. I'm so clumsy, but I can't help it. I of course had to fill out an accident report and it was suggested for me to go to an emergency room. So that's where I got to spend my Friday night, I'm sure everyone is quite jealous. Apparently according to the Dr. I burned it pretty bad and was prescribed some ointment and pain medicine. Thank god, because this pain isn't fun. I wish I didn't have to wait until tomorrow to pick it up, though. For now I'll just keep the wrap on and throw myself a pity party. I just hope it doesn't scar.

Aside from the event not being all that great for me, I just haven't been feeling today (technically yesterday) in general. There's been some changes in my life that I'm having to get used to, and I'm not really thrilled about it. Just changes in relationships with friends... I know it's not a bad thing, because of the situation that changed it, but it's still kind of blah sometimes. Out with the old and in with the new I guess. I'll still put a smile on my face either way. I was supposed to see GIWW tonight, but that never happened, which was weird... I sent him a message earlier to see if everything was okay, but he has still to reply. I don't know if I should be mad or worried; I guess I'll be a little bit of both. Honestly, though, I haven't really seen a lot of people in a while. BGJJ is always busy and that kind of sucks, I know he still does try to keep communication open, so that's good at least. Oh, and then next, RBG and I haven't talked or seen each other in forever, which I guess is my fault... well not really my fault, more like my decision which I like to go back on every now and then. Anyway, we were going strong with the silence for about a month and then he decides to call me up a couple days ago to tell me that he misses me and we should get together. What? I just laughed a little, which looking back, I could have gone without doing. All I could really think of to say was "Oh nice... I like how you waited a whole month to tell me this." Really though. It just doesn't make much sense to me. How are you going to wait that long to tell me? I think I might know why, but I'm not a hundred percent, so I'll keep it to myself.

I'll probably just watch last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy and tweet some more before I fall asleep. I'm so glad I can actually sleep for a while in the morning! Hopefully sleep comes easy to me and I don't feel my wrist too much.

Have a safe weekend everyone; have beautiful dreams!

Namaste

I am not afraid of my truth anymore and I will not omit pieces of me to make you comfortable.

I love that quote. I think that I'm slowly accepting myself for everything I am and everything that I'm not. I don't want to hide pieces of me just to keep certain other people happy, or like the quote says, "comfortable". If someone is going to be in my life then they'll just have to accept me as I am. For all the things I do... and don't do. I'm just me and there's really not much else I can say about that. I'm not going to change for anyone, so if you're looking to be apart of my life, please don't try and change me cause you're the only one who's going to get disappointed. In the past I've allowed myself to be in some unhealthy friendships and relationships. I was young and naive; I put up with too much, and looking back, I realized that I wasted a lot of time with the wrong person when I could have been focusing on growing and bettering myself as a single individual. I just let things go on way longer than I should have and now that's just time that I won't be getting back. I wish I could go back sometimes and make wiser relationship choices, but hey, that's just a part of growing up. At least we're able to look back as we get older to learn and grow.

“Mindfulness helps you go home to the present. And every time you go there and recognize a condition of happiness that you have, happiness comes.” - Thich Nhat Hanh

Lately I've been wishing that I was more content with my life right now. Content with current relationships and the way that things are going and progressing, but I'm not. I have an inner battle where I go back and forth wondering if I want to be content with things just because I know I'm not content for a reason; i.e., I think I'm settling and compromising, or if I want to be content just because I'm being picky and things aren't perfect. It's honestly probably a little of both.

"Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker"

I've been so frustrated lately with how some things are going and I've been finding myself back on the kick of sometimes wanting to be in a relationship, but then soon after I talk myself out of it, coaching myself that I'm not ready. Now, to get in a little discussion: I was recently told that one cannot "like more than one person at the same time." Well, that's all good and fine if that's what you want to think. More power to you for sure, I just so happen to have a different opinion. If I was in a relationship, however, I feel differently. If I was in a relationship and felt attracted to someone else, I would probably think about breaking up with whoever I was with and decide that it wasn't the right thing to be together. But me, being a single adult, I personally believe that it's perfectly acceptable to like more that one person. My soul and spirit cannot be constrained and are free to like who I please. It's not something I can really control. I believe that human beings are not monogamous by nature. It's in our human nature to be sexually attracted to each other and sometimes act on it. Remember, this is all just by personal opinion and I'm writing from my forever alone perspective. (Ha.) I'm aware that people are going to disagree with me and have different opinions. Every so often certain people come around and an instant connection is felt with them; a coming together of two souls, and we naturally become infatuated. Just because I say that I "like" or "love" someone doesn't mean I want to marry them all. There are differences with each person and feeling. Here are some Greek words for love and their meanings:

Eros. From the Greek word for "erotic or passionate"; a passionate, physical, sexual, and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment, sensual desire, and longing; stereotype of romantic love. 

Ludus. From the Latin word meaning "sport or play, a love that is played as a game or sport; conquest. May have multiple partners at once. This love is playful, flirtatious and carefree. Ludus lovers do not care much about commitment as having fun and being spontaneous. 

Storge. means "affection" in ancient and modern Greek. It is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring. An affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity. Familiar (family) love. 

Pragma. From the Greek word meaning "practical"; love that is driven by the head, not the heart; practical and non-emotional. Undemonstrative. With pragma love, the costs and benefits are carefully weighed before entering into a relationship. 

Mania. From the Greek word meaning "frenzy"; highly volatile. Obsessive love; experience great emotional highs and lows; very possessive and often jealous lovers. 

Agape. From the Greek word meaning "divine or spiritual”; selfless, enduring, unconditional, and altruistic love; spiritual; true love. Agape is considered the purest and truest form of love.

I've been on a journey lately to better myself. I've been slowly letting go of everything that I've been trained to believe and I'm starting to finally realize things for myself. I'm starting fresh and it's a beautiful thing. I'm making a change in the way I view myself and others, as well as how I view things. I'm learning to forgive things in my past and situations that have happened that I think have had a negative effect in how I view relationships at times. I'm trying so hard to move on and not think about certain things and it's getting better. I need more patience because I know that it's a slow process. I'm forgiving people so I can move on. I am not my past and you are not your past; there are brighter days ahead. Release everything you're holding inside and open up your mind, allow your mind to become clear. Life is so much better when you allow yourself to get into that place.

May all beings be well and free of suffering. Namaste.

These are the days that must happen to you.

Well hello, beautiful creatures! I feel like it's been so long since I've actually taken the time to sit down and write something serious. I figured that today was as good a day as any. I've been way too in my feeling today and I need an outlet. Honestly, I just haven't been feeling today at all. Too much drama earlier. Unexpected, unnecessary drama. I wish I could just go back and erase the whole afternoon. I just didn't feel like myself today at all.

I don't know why I've been feeling so down lately, but I have been, and I'm not a fan of this feeling. I know I just need to snap out of it, but I don't know... I can't. There are these little thing called "over thinking" and "over analyzing" and I've been doing a real good job of it. I've allowed myself to let thoughts and memories slip in my mind that have no business being there. I'm just stuck in a never ending cycle of wishing things are different, but knowing they're not going to be. I need some good vibes in my life right now, so someone send some to me. Thanks.

I've been on a subconscious search lately for something that has meaning; so far, I've only hit dead ends. I think I've just been feeling tied down and bored with my surroundings. I need change. I desire change. A change of surroundings would be nice. New people, new thoughts, new scenery. Something has got to give, because this isn't cutting it.

And here starts the complaining, but it's okay, cause today is not my day and I can complain every once in a while, alright. I hate how I'm not really friends with some people now. I'm not a fan of where I work. I don't like feeling like nothing is ever going to change. I hate when things aren't consistent. I hate when people aren't consistent. I hate how I always seem to make the wrong choice. I hate disappointing people. I don't like where I am. I hate when people are flaky. I don't like the feeling when you know that you and someone else are growing apart. I hate having fights with people that I love. And... I hate that I was able to come up with so many things that I hate.

Okay, well I do want to write more, but I have work early and I'm really tired. So this is it for now.

Have lovely dreams.

So far gone.

Once upon a time
I thought that I could always
trust you.
I thought that you'd always be the one to
protect me.
That if I needed you
you'd be there.

You've changed so much, and I know I have to.
You hurt me with your words.
I don't know why you would.
I don't see how you can look at me and feel
fine about things that you say sometimes.
You say that I don't get over things,
but you don't realize how much I have
gotten over.
Always trying to look past things.
Sometimes it's just too much.
I need a
break.

I know I'm not perfect.
I never said I was.
Yeah,
sometimes I may have an attitude about things,
but that still doesn't give you an excuse to
say what you say
and
do what you do.

I am weak.
My hands are shaking.
Uncontrollably.
Even as I type.
My leg gave out on me and it's
shaking.
I've lost the feeling in my leg and
I'm scared.
I don't want to repeat the past.
Neurological issues.
It's horrible.
After what happened I can't take any type of stress or I'll start
losing control.
Of my balance and motor skills.
I hate it.

I can feel everything around me
spiraling
out
of
control.
I feel myself shutting down,
shutting out the world.
I don't want to be like that,
but I'm breaking.
I'm broken.

I'm so far gone
and
I'm so far over it.

s.l.

I let you go, I let you fly, why do I keep on asking why? (Weekly Favorites)

Happy Saturday, everyone! I hope you've all had a lovely day. I've had an amazing (and pretty lazy) day. I got to sleep in this morning and catch up on some TV shows that I missed this week. Also, I dyed my hair today. If I think about it, I'll post pictures later.

Soooo, on to my favorites! I don't know why, but this is starting to get pretty tedious for me to do. It's a nice idea, but I'm not that interesting to come up with something new each week.

Okay anyway, I'll get on with it...

---

Song/Artist: Broken Vow // Josh Groban. Dear Lord, that man is beautiful and he can sing. <3

TV Show: Grey's Anatomy. I'm so sad that it's Cristina's last season.

Food: I had some Cajun Chicken Pasta from Chili's earlier this week that was quite fantastic.

Moment: Hmm, I guess yesterday or today. Probably today though since I probably did the equivalent of nothing.

---

Well clearly I got this post in right on time. I'll probably try to get a serious post in later tonight, but this is it for now.

Namaste, beautiful people.

We're not the same, dear, as we used to be.

... "The seasons have changed and so have we."

So I was just laying in bed thinking about things, as I so commonly do when the sky is dark and my mind is allowed to wander, and it really hit me all of a sudden how things have changed so much from the beginning of the year. Namely the people I surround myself with have changed a lot.

Change. It happens, you can either go with it or run from it. Lately I've just noticed that I'm not as close with certain people as I used to be. It's life, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I'm really glad for the friends I can go months without seeing, but when we are able to hang out, it's like nothing ever changed. With others, you just sit there in silence, not saying anything, because you both realize that you share nothing in common with each other anymore; that you've been growing apart. "Growing apart" I hate that phrase. Everyone has a time in your life, and sometimes that time runs out a little early.

Cleaning up. What I've been doing lately. Not cleaning up as in tidying a room- I mean cleaning up my life. I've come to the conclusion that I tend to keep people in my life way longer than I should, and I don't want to do that anymore. I'm not trying to sound mean, but sometimes I need to do things for me. There's been too many people who would always just bring me down whenever I would talk to them, and I knew it, but I just went with it. Not anymore. Over the weekend I cleaned out my phone, and when I clean out my phone, if I delete the whole thread of messages between me and a certain person, that's how I know I'm leaving everything in the past and I'm starting new. I also cleared out some pictures and deleted numbers. It was a pretty successful phone cleaning.

I'm going to start distancing myself from all the negative, close-minded, and judgmental people in my life so I can make room for those who are positive and accepting. Only good vibes from here on out. So sorry if I don't talk to certain people as much lately, chances are you're one of the ones I'm distancing myself from.

Have a beautiful night. Be free. Open your mind.