Little do you know

I'm not even going to bother with all the sorry's about how I haven't posted in forever, about how I thought about it, but didn't. No, I'm not going to do that. The fact of the matter is that things in my life are just so messed up that I don't even want to post about it half the time. That's the reality of it. I mean why would I want to constantly draw negative attention towards myself... right?

Tonight, I just felt compelled to write and I figured that I shouldn't ignore such a feeling. Everything going on in my life lately have just been getting to me. Like a lot a lot. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control and I need to find my balance. That's the thing about being out of control, though, you can't control it. I'm a mess. My life is a mess. I am wreckage. I'm not even saying this to get attention, no, I'm saying it to let it out. Let it all pour out of my soul and on to paper, well, cyber paper. I need to get my life together because this is ridiculous. I'm just so goddamn frustrated with myself and how my life is going; I'm sick of feeling stuck. I'm caught in quicksand and I feel as though there's no one throwing a rope, and right now, I feel like that's the only way I'm going to be able to stand again. Someone just throw me a rope. Hmm. Scratch that, that's petty. At least in my eyes. I don't need someone to save me because it's my own responsibility and no one else's. Don't get me wrong, the general nature of my being is not constantly "woe is me", I am (in my opinion at least) generally a happy, care free, friendly person. I love and appreciate the beauty in life and nature, but sometimes I feel like the world is resting on my shoulder, I'm stressed out, frustrated, mad, angry, disappointed, and sad. Lately I realized how much of a mess I am. I had a rude awakening last weekend and realized that I should probably start to control my drinking. Seriously. It was one of those "I'm never drinking again" nights. I don't even remember everything that happened, it just hit me all of a sudden and I was gone, checked out, and not coming back for a long time. Not able to walk gone, not being able to sit up on my own gone, not able to speak coherently gone, and not able to even hold a water bottle gone. Again, I'm not saying this to draw attention to myself; I see this as negative attention. I'm actually just talking about it because it is so ridiculous. I always wake up smelling like alcohol and bad decisions, and believe me, I made plenty of bad decisions this past weekend. I'm basically just asking for trouble and setting myself up for failure, and that, that's the absolute truth of the matter. I need to calm down. I'm not even going to lie and say that I'm never going to drink again because I know damn well that won't happen. I just need to control it. I can't go back to how I was this past weekend, it wasn't pretty. My situation with guys isn't that much better, either. Like damn, self, what's going on?

So yeah, I need life rehab.

Love & Light