As I sit in the silence at almost one in the morning, my mind can't help but to wander. There are so many things that I want to write about, but don't. I hold myself back for fear of being too open and vulnerable with the world of internet blogs. I feel as though in some of my previous postings that I have been too candid with some things that go on in my personal life. At the same time, I don't want to be too passive or closed off, either. Sometimes, I'll go through and re-read past posts and I'll just be so tempted to delete them and start over. I feel so exposed. I'm not sure what changed with me as to why I want to, if you will, "hide" lately, it just happened.
These past couple weeks have been somewhat hard for me health wise. I know that I just recently posted about when I got sick back in 2009, and recently I've been starting to get similar episodes. Not full on paralysis, but dizziness and blacking out episodes. It's not as much scary as it is frustrating. Why can't I just feel well? I feel as though I already went through a little bit of hell 5 years ago, so why is it coming back? I figure that I'll just make the most of it... there's not much one can do with something that is out of their control. I'm really looking into going to a holistic doctor lately, because the health care system just really frustrates me. I have the utmost respect for doctors, but too often than not, it just seems like they have a general list of maybe 3 things that they look for and if you don't fall under one of those then you are pronounced "fine", when a lot of times its something different and they just don't do the research needed to figure it out.
Thinking positive thoughts over tomorrow! Love & Light.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Remembering isn't easy...
For me, remembering is the hardest part. Remembering all of the moments that I've tried so desperately to forget. It's not always on my mind, but every now and then it shows up in my thoughts and won't leave until I re-deal with it. I wonder why it happened and more than not, I blame myself. I think that maybe, because of what happened, I've been more susceptible to letting myself get in certain situations. Ah well, it's things that happen, all that's left to do is go through the motions and live with it.
Love & Light
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
You are beautiful and your life is full of the beauty which you created.
If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here, just ask.
If you need anyone to listen, I'm here, just ask.
There's so much hurt in the world today with all of the pressures of society and stress in your personal lives, it's so easy to feel alone, and I want you to know that you're not.
You're braver than you know and more beautiful than you think.
You are enough.
---
Just something that was put on my heart tonight.
---
May all beings be well and free of suffering.
Love & Light
Friday, February 14, 2014
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know, my weakness I feel I must finally show...
Valentine's Day has always been a day of reflection for me. Today is the 5 year anniversary of the day that I almost died.
It all started in February. I hadn't been feeling very well, just due to weather changes and allergies. I had a cold, and when I get a cold or any other type of sickness I get so run down - abnormally run down and weak. This time was no different, I was so weak and tired so I just had been laying down all day. Well, as the day progressed, I progressively started getting weaker, which was a little out of the ordinary even for me. By mid afternoon I was starting to loose my balance when trying to walk around the house, my legs were giving out, and I was even starting to slur my speech. I was laying down on the couch and I couldn't even pull myself to a sitting position at all because my arms were slowly giving out as well. When my parents were able to help me sit up, I fell back cause I wasn't even able to hold myself in a sitting position. My parents started talking about taking me to the hospital, but since I'm stubborn, I thought it would all pass and didn't want to go, so went to one of those free standing ER's instead. When I got there, the nurses could see that I wasn't able to walk too well without holding on to the walls so they took me into one of the rooms and said that I was just dehydrated and that I'd be fine after they ran an IV for a while. After about an hour or so when the IV ran out, they said that I would be able to go home and I should be fine. In my head I just had this weird feeling that I wasn't going to be able to walk, my legs just felt weird, but I told myself I would just try as hard as I could so that I could just go home. Well, I got up, very slowly, and ventured out into the hallway, not surprising at all to me, I still couldn't walk. It had gotten worse and I felt like the whole room was spinning and that I didn't know what was going on. I fell into the wall, and the Doctor noticed, he told my family and I to stop and go back in the room because I was not okay and he couldn't send me home in the condition that I was. Back in the room, he ordered a CT scan and started throwing out things like "stroke", or "brain tumor". The ER called an actual hospital because I was told that I needed to be transported right away by ambulance, so they got a room opened up and waiting for me. By time the ambulance arrived, my speech was so bad that I could barely talk coherently, and I felt like all my motor skills had completely left me. They got me on the gurney and into the ambulance and the next thing I knew I was at the hospital. It was already late at this time, so they basically hooked me up to get my vitals going; my blood pressure and pulse were very low. Whatever ability that I had to walk, talk, or move my arms were completely gone by this point. I felt nothing. My head was spinning and foggy, I didn't know what anyone was saying to me; I was so overwhelmed. By morning time, the first thing the Doctor told me was that I needed to be moved to the ICU floor because they were about 95% sure that I would have to be put on a breathing tube because my paralysis would spread, making it so that I wouldn't be able to breathe on my own. They had early diagnosed me with Guillain-Barre which is your body's immune system attacking your nerves; it's an ascending paralysis beginning in the hands and feet and eventually can move on to paralyze the whole body. The doctors said that it could be life threatening and told my parents that the first night is the most critical to see if I would even make it through. So, great, I just had all these positives up for me at once... not. I was told that I may not walk again, or that if I did, it could take up to 2 years for me to be able to walk, and if I did that I might always have a visible limp. It didn't seem real to me that all this was happening, because just a week before, I had been perfectly fine, walking around, doing what I wanted. No one prepares for a day when they're told they might not ever walk again. I was scheduled for every possible test that could be thought of. I made it through the night (obviously), but I was not doing good at all. One of my mom's friends came to see me and later told my mom that I looked way worse than she thought I would. I couldn't move my neck at all by this point and it took my minutes before I could process what anyone was telling me and my speech was so slurred still it sounded like I was a special kind of drunk. My fingers didn't even move at this point. I had a full body MRI, which, MRI's in general aren't fun, but when you're paralyzed in a tiny tube, it sucks. Especially when it's for your whole body. It took maybe 2 and 1/2 hours in total of me just laying there with this helmet thing over my head, wondering what was going on or when it would stop. Back in my room, meals were very hard, it's humbling when you have to have your family and friends feed you. I think the ICU staff was getting annoyed with how many people I had in and out of my room. Ha. My grandparents and flew in the next day from Wisconsin (I live in TX) and my Aunt and Uncle drove in from another city. My condition wasn't really getting better, but since I hadn't had to be put on a breathing tube yet, the doctors were looking into what else my condition could be. Then, on February 14th, 2009, I was in the room talking to my mom and dad when all of a sudden (what I was told later) I just stopped, mid conversation, and apparently started gasping for air and then I just stopped and went completely unconscious. My machines started going crazy and nurses started running into my room telling my parents to leave right away and yelling and paging doctors into the room STAT, and also yelling at me to "stay with them" they started doing CPR on me gave me a shot of something till I was stable again. I found out later that my heart rate dropped to less than 5 bpm and that my blood pressure went down to something like 52/50. Crazy. Every night that I was in the hospital I remember looking at my legs telling them to "move" and nothing would happen. I would try so hard to get even my finger to move and didn't have any luck. About two days after my flat line, I was barely starting to move my fingers and believe me, it was the absolute best feeling ever. I had Physical and Occupational therapy in the hospital, and with the very little progress that I was making, I was hopeful. I was released to leave, but had to follow up asap with a Neurologist. I didn't feel right at home of course because I still wasn't able to move or walk. I had to get a wheelchair and also a walker. I had many specialist appointments, physical therapy, occupational therapy, and balance therapy. The whole ordeal took me a whole year and then some to recover, and even now I still get some episodes from that, but I'M WALKING, I'm feeding myself, and I'm brushing my own hair! They told me that I may not be able to walk again, but I guess that wasn't in the plans for me. I take it for granted way too much, I know, but I just wanted to take some time out to say that I truly am thankful for being able to walk and do the "little things". 5 years seems pretty far away, but so very close at the same time.
I hope you've all been having a lovely Valentine's Day!
Love & Light.
It all started in February. I hadn't been feeling very well, just due to weather changes and allergies. I had a cold, and when I get a cold or any other type of sickness I get so run down - abnormally run down and weak. This time was no different, I was so weak and tired so I just had been laying down all day. Well, as the day progressed, I progressively started getting weaker, which was a little out of the ordinary even for me. By mid afternoon I was starting to loose my balance when trying to walk around the house, my legs were giving out, and I was even starting to slur my speech. I was laying down on the couch and I couldn't even pull myself to a sitting position at all because my arms were slowly giving out as well. When my parents were able to help me sit up, I fell back cause I wasn't even able to hold myself in a sitting position. My parents started talking about taking me to the hospital, but since I'm stubborn, I thought it would all pass and didn't want to go, so went to one of those free standing ER's instead. When I got there, the nurses could see that I wasn't able to walk too well without holding on to the walls so they took me into one of the rooms and said that I was just dehydrated and that I'd be fine after they ran an IV for a while. After about an hour or so when the IV ran out, they said that I would be able to go home and I should be fine. In my head I just had this weird feeling that I wasn't going to be able to walk, my legs just felt weird, but I told myself I would just try as hard as I could so that I could just go home. Well, I got up, very slowly, and ventured out into the hallway, not surprising at all to me, I still couldn't walk. It had gotten worse and I felt like the whole room was spinning and that I didn't know what was going on. I fell into the wall, and the Doctor noticed, he told my family and I to stop and go back in the room because I was not okay and he couldn't send me home in the condition that I was. Back in the room, he ordered a CT scan and started throwing out things like "stroke", or "brain tumor". The ER called an actual hospital because I was told that I needed to be transported right away by ambulance, so they got a room opened up and waiting for me. By time the ambulance arrived, my speech was so bad that I could barely talk coherently, and I felt like all my motor skills had completely left me. They got me on the gurney and into the ambulance and the next thing I knew I was at the hospital. It was already late at this time, so they basically hooked me up to get my vitals going; my blood pressure and pulse were very low. Whatever ability that I had to walk, talk, or move my arms were completely gone by this point. I felt nothing. My head was spinning and foggy, I didn't know what anyone was saying to me; I was so overwhelmed. By morning time, the first thing the Doctor told me was that I needed to be moved to the ICU floor because they were about 95% sure that I would have to be put on a breathing tube because my paralysis would spread, making it so that I wouldn't be able to breathe on my own. They had early diagnosed me with Guillain-Barre which is your body's immune system attacking your nerves; it's an ascending paralysis beginning in the hands and feet and eventually can move on to paralyze the whole body. The doctors said that it could be life threatening and told my parents that the first night is the most critical to see if I would even make it through. So, great, I just had all these positives up for me at once... not. I was told that I may not walk again, or that if I did, it could take up to 2 years for me to be able to walk, and if I did that I might always have a visible limp. It didn't seem real to me that all this was happening, because just a week before, I had been perfectly fine, walking around, doing what I wanted. No one prepares for a day when they're told they might not ever walk again. I was scheduled for every possible test that could be thought of. I made it through the night (obviously), but I was not doing good at all. One of my mom's friends came to see me and later told my mom that I looked way worse than she thought I would. I couldn't move my neck at all by this point and it took my minutes before I could process what anyone was telling me and my speech was so slurred still it sounded like I was a special kind of drunk. My fingers didn't even move at this point. I had a full body MRI, which, MRI's in general aren't fun, but when you're paralyzed in a tiny tube, it sucks. Especially when it's for your whole body. It took maybe 2 and 1/2 hours in total of me just laying there with this helmet thing over my head, wondering what was going on or when it would stop. Back in my room, meals were very hard, it's humbling when you have to have your family and friends feed you. I think the ICU staff was getting annoyed with how many people I had in and out of my room. Ha. My grandparents and flew in the next day from Wisconsin (I live in TX) and my Aunt and Uncle drove in from another city. My condition wasn't really getting better, but since I hadn't had to be put on a breathing tube yet, the doctors were looking into what else my condition could be. Then, on February 14th, 2009, I was in the room talking to my mom and dad when all of a sudden (what I was told later) I just stopped, mid conversation, and apparently started gasping for air and then I just stopped and went completely unconscious. My machines started going crazy and nurses started running into my room telling my parents to leave right away and yelling and paging doctors into the room STAT, and also yelling at me to "stay with them" they started doing CPR on me gave me a shot of something till I was stable again. I found out later that my heart rate dropped to less than 5 bpm and that my blood pressure went down to something like 52/50. Crazy. Every night that I was in the hospital I remember looking at my legs telling them to "move" and nothing would happen. I would try so hard to get even my finger to move and didn't have any luck. About two days after my flat line, I was barely starting to move my fingers and believe me, it was the absolute best feeling ever. I had Physical and Occupational therapy in the hospital, and with the very little progress that I was making, I was hopeful. I was released to leave, but had to follow up asap with a Neurologist. I didn't feel right at home of course because I still wasn't able to move or walk. I had to get a wheelchair and also a walker. I had many specialist appointments, physical therapy, occupational therapy, and balance therapy. The whole ordeal took me a whole year and then some to recover, and even now I still get some episodes from that, but I'M WALKING, I'm feeding myself, and I'm brushing my own hair! They told me that I may not be able to walk again, but I guess that wasn't in the plans for me. I take it for granted way too much, I know, but I just wanted to take some time out to say that I truly am thankful for being able to walk and do the "little things". 5 years seems pretty far away, but so very close at the same time.
I hope you've all been having a lovely Valentine's Day!
Love & Light.
All you need is love - Love is all you need.
"Love is all you need." ... Or so I'd like to think, or at least hope. I've just come to realize that it's really not in human nature to just simply love. People love because they want something in return, or because they want to manipulate a situation somehow. Very rarely do I meet people who just love completely and altruistically. Those kinds of people are their own kind of beautiful.
I'm not even trying to say anything bad about the guy at all, he seemed like an okay person.. I honestly think that more people need to be like that, well just in the sense that he was so convinced of what he believed in. I just don't get overly thrilled when people feel the need to share with me their "truth". I don't really get why people can't just focus on bettering themselves and not constantly trying to "better" the world. Maybe that's just me. I'm not even trying to dog on the Christians, even though I know that people will somehow find a way to take offense to this.
So, that's just my two cents, don't read too much into it, it's just something that's been on my mind lately.
Good vibes and pleasant dreams to everyone tonight.
Love&Light.
This world would be so beautiful if everyone could just be tolerant of each other and live peacefully. Why does that seem like it's something so preposterous to dream? Why is everyone so judgmental? Can we all just get along? It bothers me. Remember, what's right for you, may not be right for someone else.
The lack of tolerance in humanity has been on my mind a lot lately and then I had an incident that happened tonight, so I decided that I would write this blog post and share it.
Well tonight, I was hanging out with a friend of mine and we decided that we would go out and get ice cream. We went to the ice cream shop, sat down, and starting talking. A little while later, the guy who was working behind the counter leans over and says to us, "Hey! During the last hour I like to talk to people and see if they know if they're going to Heaven or Hell. Can I talk to you?" All I could think to myself is great, of course this would happen to me. Well, my friend is a Christian, so I'm just sitting there waiting for him to tell the guy that he already knows and that we're good. My friend doesn't say anything and the guy is just looking at me waiting for an answer, so I tell him that I'll listen, which honestly I have no problem doing at all. He looked pleased and came around the counter to sit down by us.
He begins talking about how not a lot of people are sure if they're going to Heaven or not and how Jesus can save me if I just believe that He died for my sins. He quotes John 3:16, which I'm sure most people are aware of what it says regardless of what their belief is.
Now, I grew up in churches and I know some of what the Bible says... just as I grew up more and figured out more things for myself I just question it. To me personally, it seems like it has a lot of interpretations and that so many people just try to twist things around and make it work for them. I personally don't see the Bible as being very applicable to our modern lives, I mean, the Old Testament is definitely not applicable. No one lives by those laws anymore. How can this Christianity be real when there are so many different denominations that are all trying to tweak or alter certain things just to make themselves happy?
He went on to say that since he believes he's so happy that he knows he's going to Heaven and that he could do all these horrible things, but since he said the "sinners prayer" he would still go to Heaven.
That doesn't sit right with me. Okay, so I'm supposed to believe that this God died for me, and then I'm going to go out and murder someone and then I'm still going to be welcomed into Heaven? Huh? I mean, take a look at all these people who say that they're Hindu or Buddhist and look at they're lives - no one is perfect, but a lot of them are leading very positive lives. I guess I could say the same things about people claiming to be Christians, too... Maybe. I'm just so turned off by people saying that "God is good" because they didn't burn their toast in the morning. What the hell? You didn't burn your toast because you know how to set the damn toaster. (I didn't just make that up, either. I honestly has someone write that on Facebook once and I almost died.)
The next thing he said was how he was glad that he was one of the chosen ones that God died for, and that not everyone is someone who is chosen.
Wait, what? Pause. Wasn't this guy just telling me that God died for the world and now he's changing it up saying that he didn't?He went on and talked some more until my friend got up from the table stating that we had to get going. (He kept the place open for 30 minutes after they closed talking to us.) The guy said that he wanted to pray for me and that he knew when he was standing behind the counter that he couldn't let the rest of the night go without talking to me. (I guess.) He closed by saying that he didn't know if I was one of the chosen ones or not cause I was choosing not to believe, but that he hoped I was. (I don't know, what that his subtle way of telling me I'm going to Hell? ... Thanks.) I'm the type of person who likes to keep an open mind, so I don't have a problem listening to other people share with me what they believe in... I'll listen, but I won't argue back. I don't need to get in debates with people as to why "I'm right and they're wrong", or why "They're right and I'm wrong." I'm not interested in that.
I'm not even trying to say anything bad about the guy at all, he seemed like an okay person.. I honestly think that more people need to be like that, well just in the sense that he was so convinced of what he believed in. I just don't get overly thrilled when people feel the need to share with me their "truth". I don't really get why people can't just focus on bettering themselves and not constantly trying to "better" the world. Maybe that's just me. I'm not even trying to dog on the Christians, even though I know that people will somehow find a way to take offense to this.
So, that's just my two cents, don't read too much into it, it's just something that's been on my mind lately.
Good vibes and pleasant dreams to everyone tonight.
Love&Light.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
We had been trying to be adults since we were 15
When we finally reached 18, nothing changed.
It wasn't until we were lying on the bathroom floor,
drunk and high in two different states that we realized
age is just a number, and reality is learning there's no
such thing as being an adult.
You only grow older and if you're lucky,
maybe a little wiser...
When we finally reached 18, nothing changed.
It wasn't until we were lying on the bathroom floor,
drunk and high in two different states that we realized
age is just a number, and reality is learning there's no
such thing as being an adult.
You only grow older and if you're lucky,
maybe a little wiser...
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