There's distance in the air

Do you ever go for a really long time without seeing or talking to someone and then when you finally do everything is just... different? I had that happen to me about a week ago. It was the weekend, I was out, and then randomly I received a text from an ex asking what I was doing and if he could stop over. I told him that I was out but it would probably fine to stop by when I was home. Well, I got home around 12:30 and he said that he would probably be over in about 30 min. Now, it had probably been about a month and a half since I've talked to him or seen him and him coming over in about half an hour meant that it would be one in the morning. I don't know about everyone else, but when someone wants to come over that late- I'm not assuming it's so we can sit around and play Monopoly. Ha. He pulled up, got out of the car, I walked over to him- and nothing. There was this guy standing in front of me who I knew so well, but at the same time seemed like such a stranger. We awkwardly hugged and continued on with some small talk along the lines of "how are you, stranger" and "how's work". After dodging a kiss, I decided to let my bluntness get the best of me and let him know straight up that nothing was about to happen and that if he wanted to talk for a bit we could, but without him doing so 1 inch from my face. After saying my piece he replied all huffy and said "fine, why don't I just leave then?" and he started walking towards his car (So much for Monopoly.) ... uhh what? Is this guy being serious? Typical. I guess he really didn't want to come over just to talk, but in the back of my mind I knew that from the beginning. I just looked at him in amusement, got up, started to walk him out to his car and said "Ha! What the hell? If you're going to leave cause I told you 'no' and to get off of me than fine- you can leave because I'm not playing games right now. Bye." Apparently I was supposed to ask him to stay cause he changed his story real fast and said he just wanted to talk. Okay, let's talk. He stayed maybe another 15 minutes, and all I could really think about was how I had no longer had feelings for this person standing in front of me. Yay! Right? I was just standing there thinking about our past and the memories that we had; I realized I wasn't sad at all and that it didn't hurt. Believe me, sometimes when the memories hit- it hurts. This time was different- and it was a good feeling. Kind of weird though how some things turn out so differently than how we once had planned.

I saw this quote and thought it was perfect:

Have a beautiful day.

Regrets and Mistakes; They're Memories Made

...or so I'd like to tell myself.

Well, after contemplating for about 4 months if I should blog something other than lyrics- I finally decided to. I almost feel entitled to pat myself on the shoulder or do something of the sort, but I won't because that's pretty pathetic to be excited about a 4 month hiatus. Usually, this is the part where I make promises to religiously blog every single day, but this time I'm not even going to bother seeing as my track record isn't so high.

So, what's new with me? Not that anyone cares, I've just had so much going on with me lately that I've been feeling compelled to write it down... and well, here I am. I feel as though my life had turned in a complete 180 and I'm still deciding if that's a good thing or not. There's a quote by C.S. Lewis that could not be more on point. It says:

"Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different..."

It is funny though, well, I guess for me that "looking back" happened a while ago, cause lately, every day I can feel the changes. I've just been transforming into the person that I always was, hence me getting a tattoo of a butterfly signifying (forever) transformation and change. I think maybe lately I might be a bit too open to everything that life is throwing at me.

As for the title of this post, I found it fitting. I actually like to live by the thought that I don't have regrets in life and that everything that happens/every choice I make are all lessons learned, or as the title says - "memories made" - which, by the way are lyrics from the Adele song "Someone Like You". Every choice that I've made up until this point is what has made me into who I am. Someday I'll forgive myself... Ha! I don't know, in all seriousness, there is so much that I would love to get out and write, but since I'm not exactly anonymous I won't. I'm sure if you're interested enough, you can decipher my vagueness or me speaking in code, that's all fine and dandy if it's that important to you. Everyone who knows things about me or needs to know will probably already know of the things that I'm talking about anyway. Well recently, I had a scare, and reality came crashing down on me. Everything turned out fine in the end, but it was a wake up call. I mean, I guess maybe it would have been nice if it was more of a wake up call, but my life is just one big series of unfortunate events, but I'll get to that later in this post. Even though the end result was negative, it didn't make it any more positive.

I think a lot of the situations in my life have made me numb towards a lot of things, in some ways (maybe) that's a good thing, but in other ways it kind of sucks. No one really has a clue about things that I've gone through and go through. Yes, I do have a good family, but there are a lot of things that are behind the scenes and it frustrated me when people that supposedly are close to me only see the surface of things and assume that everything is just peachy all the time. Granted, I suppose some of that is my fault for keeping certain things bottled up, but really, why in the hell would I want to go around blasting intimate details about my life to anyone and everyone? Please tell me that cause I'd love to know. I was recently talking with someone about some things and he just stopped, looked at me, and told me he would have never guessed. Not sure how I really feel about that, cause it's not like I'm going around trying to put up some front, but at the same time, I don't want to lay around all day crying woe is me when the reality of the matter is - surprise - not everyone gives a damn. That's the truth plain and simple. There are people who are worth it and people who aren't. Something that I've been trying to do lately is weed out people in my life - those who care and build me up, and those who don't. I've been cleaning up my Facebook, Twitter, and phone. If we don't text as much anymore, or if you've noticed that I've defriended you or unfollowed you - chances are you were one of those people.

So, moving right along- sometimes I think it might be nice to be in a relationship, but then I think "hmm, or not." Dating is just weird and I don't exactly have the best track record (again) when it comes to that area. Sometimes I think that I'm just not a relationship person, but then on the other hand that thought is no fun and there's no "Disney magic" in that. I guess maybe a month ago I met one of my latest mistakes, we'll call him "RBG" at not really an ideal place, but then again it wasn't like I randomly woke up with no clothes on and him laying down beside me (cause thaaaat really would've been less than ideal). Anyway, he was more than a little bit older than me, but that wasn't a problem. He was nice- until we met up one night with some people and he started acting like a little man baby, throwing a fit and leaving cause I wasn't all up on him and giving him my undivided attention. Yeah, I don't really have time for that, so that was the last that we spoke. It's all still quite fresh with me and sometimes I feel like I should reply to a text he sent, but I'm stubborn so I don't really see that happening anytime soon. One of my friends told me that everybody makes mistakes and that I might be being a bit too hard on him, but oh well So, I'm debating if I should continue right now, or if I should just shut this topic down and get on with my day? I don't know, yes? Well I suppose that I'll continue because for some reason I feel possessed right now by the written word and the need to write it, and also, if I don't get things out now I probably never will. Alright, where am I at? Well, two weekends ago I was out, having a good time, hanging out with people- the night escalated, and well, too many drinks later I was quite intoxicated. (I feel as though all my secrets are going to come out- well as vaguely as they possibly can.) There I was in my drunken splendor - playing in strobe lights, climbing pool slides (and almost falling in), going on an adventure and then getting lost for about an hour not even a block away from the house, and then passing out, hopelessly inebriated, outside in a lawn chair. (Classy.) Still, up until this point everything was rainbows and butterflies. After I had been passed out for maybe an hour and a half outside it was now around 8:30 am and I was helped inside and upstairs to get in bed and go to sleep... well, that's when things escalated, or so I heard. I don't really know the definition, but something happened when I was passed out and while I woke up in and out of sleep. Upon waking up later, I heard more of the full story and honestly, I don't really know what to think. After hearing more, I started remembering snippets of what happened (or maybe it was just my subconscious making things up to put together puzzle pieces).  I guess I feel like certain things about it were my fault, but I just don't know. I'm not mad about it, I just feel weird about it now. Is there anything else for me to talk about? I've been having a minor "flirtationship" with someone lately, or post-lately, and a week ago we met for drinks (yes, I was drinking again, go ahead and judge me), and then a couple days later we met again. Long story short (which is what I should have done for this entire post) things escalated, and I regret to inform myself that I was barely tipsy (if that). Now, I'm stuck seeing... let's call him "GIWW", a little more than I would like. Not that it's really awkward, it's just stupid. I guess it's true, there are some things that just don't mix with the professional world. Sometimes I think that I should just give all guys up completely, but I don't want to actually make it a proclamation, because I don't think I can handle lying to myself again. Maybe I should look into being a nun? I don't know though, I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed.

Honestly, I didn't really realize till now how much I actually wrote, sorry for that. I feel so exposed now. Maybe too exposed? I know I was the one who wrote it all, but my hand was possessed by my heart to start and finish. Maybe I'll leave this post up only to delete it in a couple days. We'll see. I'm sorry if this post opened up some peoples' eyes to things they didn't already know- it's not always rainbows and butterflies. I like to see with some grey in-between.

"Yeah, it's whatever.
You know, feeling good,
living better..."

Well, I could probably go on a bit longer, but I feel as though I'm too in my feelings right now and I've already written a short novel. I hope you all have a beautiful evening... but I guess I'm more-so speaking to myself since I'm pretty sure no sane person besides myself (but only cause I wrote it) will actually read up until this point. Ha.

Alis volat propriis.

I Come Home // Catherine Feeny

I come home
And I find myself alone again
And I need your voice on the phone
To remind me of how brave I am
Cause I get scared at night and I lose my heart
I see faces in my window, I hear noises in the dark
I lose my mind between the front door and the car
But you cannot run from demons
They know just where you are

And I buy draperies to keep me in
Cause I fear my heart is beating on the outside of my skin
And anyone who wants to can look on in
They will find me in my solitude
Yeah, sometimes in my sin

Cause these walls ain’t thick enough to keep out the sound
Of the ghosts who dance outside my door
They feed upon the ground
They stepped on from the heavens
They reach up from the mud
Their eyes are empty
They are looking for blood

There was a lady, she lived next door
She ain’t living anywhere anymore
No, she died slowly and full of pain
And I never saw her face and I never learned her name
But she visits me on some days
She asks me where I come from
She asks me why I stay

But she knows that I get scared at night and I lose my heart
See faces in my window, I hear noises in the dark
And I lose my mind between the front door and the car
But you cannot run from demons
They know just where you are
They know just where you are

And I come home
And I need your voice on the phone
I need your voice on the phone
I need your voice on the phone
I need your voice